VOLUME I
ERIC AND KERRY'S LOUISIANA WHITETAIL WORLD
THE BIG
BROTHER TRACKERS
ALABI UNCASED
NOT GOING TO GET ANYTHING
SIGN AT THE BASE
OF
TOP 10 REASONS HUNTING IS
BETTER THAN SEX
A BEAR GOES INTO A BAR
THERE WERE TWINS
A GROUP OF DEER HUNTERS
A MANGY LOOKING HUNTER
A WOMAN IS IN BED
A GUY AWOKE ONE MORNING
A FISHERMAN WAS SURF FISHING
A MAN AND HIS WIFE ARE GRILLING
THERE WAS A YOUNG WOMAN
A MAN WHO JUST GOT A RAISE
THIS GUY GOES TO A BAR
A TRAVELING SALESMAN
TWO REDNECK GUYS
TWO GUYS WERE HUNTING
A FARMER WAS OUT HUNTING
GREG went deer hunting with two experienced hunters, his brothers MARK and ERIC. MARK says that he will go first. He leaves the cabin and goes out hunting. He's back in an hour with a deer.GREG says, "How did you do that?" MARK replies, "Simple, I found tracks, then I followed them and, Wham!, I shot a deer."ERIC goes out and does the same thing MARK did. When he comes back with the deer, GREG is astonished and asks the same question, "How did you do that?" So ERIC says, "simple, I found tracks then I followed them and then, Wham!, I shot a deer." "Oh I get it," says GREG. So GREG takes his turn in the woods. He doesn't return. When they search for him, MARK and ERIC find him at the hospital. They asked him what happened. GREG says, "I found tracks and I followed them and, Wham!, The train hit me!
THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT!!!!!! GO BELIEVE!!!!!!
A guy goes off for a week long hunting trip. When he returns he is furious with his wife. He says, "you forgot to pack my underwear".Her reply was, "I put it in your gun case."
First man : why do you go hunting without bullets? Second man: Because it is cheaper and the results are the same.
SIGN AT THE BASE OF A DEER STAND OVERLOOKING A SCRAPE:
The buck stops here.
TOP 10 REASONS HUNTING
IS BETTER THAN SEX...
10. ONCE YOU SHOOT YOUR WAD, ITS QUICK TO RELOAD
9. YOU CAN PICK THE SIZE OF YOUR GUN
8. ONCE YOU TAG IT, NO ONE ELSE CAN TOUCH IT
7. YOU CAN TELL ITS LEGAL BY THE SIZE OF THE RACK
6. YOU CLEAN THE MEAT BEFORE YOU EAT IT
5. LASTS SUNRISE TO SUNDOWN
4. YOUR GUN WONT GO LIMP ON YOU
3. IF YOU BAG A BIG ONE, YOU CAN TELL YOUR FRIENDS
2. YOU CAN ALWAYS FIND GOOD BUSH
1. YOUR FAVORITE PIECE CAN BE MOUNTED ON YOUR WALL
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A bear goes into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer's to bears in this bar." The bear bangs on the bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars." The bear grabs a barmaid and bashes her. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars and bash barmaids." The bear bellows at the other bartender to bring him a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars, bash barmaids and bellow at bartenders." Exasperated, the bear bites the bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears who are on drugs." The bear says, "Huh?" The bartender says, "You can't fool me--I saw the bar-bit-u-ate."
There were twins names Joe and
John who besides being brothers were also fishing buddies. When they went fishing they
used Joe's old wooden boat. It so happened that John's wife died suddenly on the same day
that Joe's boat sank. A few days after the tragadies, a kindly old woman saw Joe and
mistook him for John. She then said, "I'm sorry for your loss; you must feel
terrible?" Joe thought she was talking about his sunken boat and replied, "HELL NO! IN FACT I''M SORT OF GLAD TO BE RID OF HER. SHE WAS A
ROTTEN OLD THING FROM THE BEGINNING. HER BOTTOM WAS ALL SHRIVELED UP AND SHE SMELLED LIKE
DEAD FISH. SHE WAS ALWAYS LOSING WATER. SHE HAD A BAD CRACK IN THE BACK AND A PRETTY BIG
HOLE IN THE FRONT TOO. EVERY TIME I USED HER, THE HOLE GOT BIGGER AND SHE LEAKED LIKE
CRAZY. I GUESS WHAT FINALLY FINISHED HER OFF WAS WHEN I RENTED HER TO THOSE FOUR GUYS
LOOKING FOR A GOOD TIME. I WARNED THEM THAT SHE WASN'T VERY GOOD, BUT THEY WANTED TO USE
HER ANYWAY. THE DAMN FOOLS TRIED TO GET IN HER ALL AT ONCE AND SHE SPLIT RIGHT UP THE
MIDDLE."
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A group of deer hunters are in camp when they realize that they are running low on provisions. The group appointed Jake to get the supplies. Jake went into the store and bought six cases of whiskey, twelve kegs of beer and a package of hotdogs. When he returned to the lodge the group looked in his truck and they asked," Jake, what the hell are we gonna do with all them damned hotdogs?"
A mangy looking hunter emerges from the woods after a long day of small game hunting. He's thirsty, so he goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: "No way; you're dirty and you stink." The hunter says, "You're right. I've been trudging through swamps and woods all day and I look a mess. But if I show you something you haven't seen before, something real amazing, will you give me a drink?" The bartender says, "Only if what you show me is truely a miracle." "Deal!" says the hunter and he reaches into his game bag and pulls out a live rabbit. He puts the bunny on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the rabbit is really good. The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That rabbit is truly a miracle." The hunter downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Show me another miracle or else no drink", says the bartender. The hunter reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the hunter and offers him $300 for the frog. The hunter says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred bucks and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar. The bartender says to the hunter "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for only $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy." "Not so", says the hunter. "The rabbit is also a ventriloquist."
A woman is in bed with her
lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They f... for hours, and
afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's
house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing
her side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery voice and says, "Hello?
Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. that
sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye." She hangs up the telephone and her
lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh" she replies, "that was my
husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his hunting trip with
you."
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A guy awoke one morning and discovered his prize hunting dog was not moving. He called his vet who asked him to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead. "Are you sure?", the distraught man asked. "He was a great hunting dog, a field champion in fact. Isn't there anything else you can do?" The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage. "Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead." Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the man sighed and asked, "How much do I owe you?" "That will be $1,030," the vet replied. "I don't believe it!!!", screamed the man. "What did you do that cost $1,030???" "Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $1,000 for the cat scan."
One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species. At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor. In the judges closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?" The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."
A fisherman was surf fishing along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened the bottlethanked the man for letting him out. The . A genie appeared and genie saidwill grant you any wish, but I can only , "I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I grant onehave always wanted to go to Hawaii and ." The man thought for a while and finally said, "I fish along the beautiful beaches of Hawaiibeen able to go because I cannot fly. . I've never Airplanes are much too frightening for meall that water and I become very . On a boat, I see claustrophobicHawaii. The genie thought for a few . So I wish for a road to be built from here to minutes and finally saidthink of all the work involved. , "No, I don't think I can do that. Just Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the oceanis just too much to ask." The . Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that man thought for a few minutes and then told the genieother thing I have always , "There is one wantedlaugh and cry, why are . I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them they temperamentalwant attention, when , why are they so difficult to get along with, when they they donminutes and said, "So, 't. Basically, what makes them tick." The genie considered for a few do you want two lanes or four?"
A man and his wife are grilling
some venison steaks, when the Husband says to the wife, "Your butt is as wide as the
grill." She ignores the remark. A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape
and then he goes over to his wife and measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it IS
as wide as the grill!" Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel
frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little
weiner, you're sadly mistaken."
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There was a young woman
who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said, "forgive me father,
for I have sinned." The priest said, " confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "last night my boyfriend returned from an extended hunting trip
and we made mad, passionate love seven times". The priest thought long and hard and
then said, "take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it".
The young woman asked, "will this cleanse me of my sins?" The priest said
"NO", but it will wipe the smile off of your face".
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A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a gun shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies. The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off." The man takes another look through the scope, hands the clerk one of the bullets back and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
This guy goes to a bar with his three hunting buddies. They are all drinking and telling hunting stories and having a good time. When the guys turn to buy the drinks comes he heads over to the bar. He walks up to the bartender and says "I'll bet you double or nothing on a round of drinks that I can bite my right eyeball." Well the bartender is a pretty good sport and really doesn't see how he can lose so he says sure. The guy pops out his right eye, puts it in his mouth and bites it. The bartender gets a little upset about being had, but a bet is a bet so the guy gets a free round of drinks. A little later the guys turn comes up again so once more he walks up to the bartender. This time the guy says, "I'll bet you twenty dollars against a round of drinks that I can bite my left eyeball." Now, the bartender has seen this guy walk around the bar ok so he knows that the left eye can't be glass and though he is still upset about the first bet he doesn't see how he can lose so he agrees. Well the guy takes out his false teeth holds them up to his left eye and bites his eye. This really pisses of the bartender, but a bet is a bet so the guy gets a free round of drinks. Finally the guys turn to buy a round comes up again. He walks up to the bartender and says, "I'll bet you fifty dollars against a round of drinks that I can stand at one end of the bar and fill a beer glass on the other end of the bar with piss without spilling a drop." At this point the bartender has been stewing and is really P.O.ed, but he just can't see how he can lose this time so he agrees. Well the guy gets up on the bar and the bartender sets up a glass at the far end. The guy whips out his dick and proceeds to piss all over the bar, I mean piss goes everywhere. The bartender is just ecstatic, he jumps up and down laughing cause he knows he finally got the guy. The guy zips up and jumps down from the bar and hands over fifty dollars to the bartender. The bartender asks him "Why did you make such a stupid bet, you didn't actually think you could do it did you?" and the guy replies "No. But I bet everyone at the table $100 that I could get you to let me piss all over your counter and that you would be happy about it."
A traveling salesman
approached an old farmhouse and noticed the strange behavior of the couple inside. The
woman was running the lawn mower over the carpet and the man had one hand dipped in a fish
bowl and was playing with himself with the other. The salesman assumed they were crazy and
moved on. After he'd finished his pitch at the next farmhouse, he mentioned what he'd just
seen. "Oh, those folks ain't crazy," the farmer said, "They're both deaf
mutes. She was telling him to mow the lawn, and he was telling her to go screw herself
because he was going fishing."
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Two redneck guys go on a fishing
trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the waders, the boat, the car, and
even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go fishing, but they
don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It
goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches
a fish. As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and
says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred
dollars?" The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any
more!"
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Two guys were hunting and got separated. Joe decided to take a dump, and after hanging his ass over a log he soon fell a sleep. Meanwhile, his buddy shot a deer. While dragging it back to his rig, he noticed his buddy asleep on the log. As a prank, he gutted the deer and placed the pile of guts under his friend's ass. After returning to the truck, he, too, was tired and took a nap. A couple hours later, he awoke to see Joe trundling across the field. "What the hell's wrong with you Joe? Looks like you seen a ghost!" "Well, I hung my ass over a log to take a dump and while I was a sleep I must have shit my guts out. If it wasn't for the grace of GOD and a greasy stick I would never have gotten 'em back in."
A farmer was out hunting one day, when all of a sudden, his gun misfired, and the shot hit him right in the arm. The farmer dropped his gun, and cradled the arm in his other arm. The shot arm was hanging on by a string. He made his way back to the house, and had his wife drive him in to the country doctor. He went to the doctor, and laid the arm gently down on the table. He looks the doc in the eyes, and says, "Okay, doc, I don't want any of that sleeping' stuff, and no Novocain, or pain killers. You just start sewn' on this arm best way you know how!" Well, the doc starts stitching away. Even the doctor is wincing at every stitch. Finally, the doc can't take it anymore. He looks up at the farmer, and says, "Man, doesn't this hurt a lot?" The farmer says, "Yep, third worst pain I ever had in my life." The doc jumps back. "Third worst pain you ever had in your life?! Here, you practically shot your arm off, and I'm here, stitching it up with no anesthetic, and you're telling me this is only the third worst pain you ever had in your life? I know there can't be anything much worse than this!" The farmer says, "Oh, yeah, doc...try this one on for size. I was out a-huntin one day, and I had to take me a mean dump. So I found me a clump of bushes, dropped my drawers, and backed up into them thar bushes when a bear trap snapped shut on my nuts!" Doc says, "Oh my God! You had a bear trap snap shut on your testicles, and you're telling me that's only the second worst pain you ever had in your life?! Now I KNOW there isn't nothing worse than that!" Farmer says, "Oh, yeah, doc, well how do you think it felt when the slack ran out in the chain?!"
THE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNNOCENT, SO YOU NEED PROTECTING HUH
