ERIC AND KERRY'S LOUISIANA WHITETAIL WORLD
HUNTING HUMOR

VOLUME II

BIG GAME HUNTING
BIG OLE BEAR
HERE ARE THE JOURNAL ENTRIES OF LAST YEARS HUNT
LION'S MESS
LONG HAUL
MORONS
MY DEER YA HEAR
MY SICK MULE
NOT GETTING YOUR MONEY'S WORTH
NOT MY NUTS
OUR CAJUN LAND PEOPLE
WHERE'S THE TENT

BIG GAME HUNTING
Eric was stalking through the brush when he came upon a woman sunbathing in the nude. He pointed his rifle at her and said, "Are you game?"She looked him up and down...and up and down again. "Wow!" she purred, "I sure am, big-g-g boy."So he shot her!

BIG OLE BEAR
A man was hunting one rainy day and slipped on wet grass and banged his head knocking himself out. When he woke up a bear was standing over him. He closed his eyes and prayed asking God that this be a Christian bear. When he opened his eyes he was surprised to see the bear on his knees praying, "Bless this food I am about to eat"

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HERE ARE THE JOURNAL ENTRIES OF LAST YEARS HUNT
1:00 am - Alarm clock rings.
2:00 am - Hunting partner arrives - drags you out of bed.
3:00 am - Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pickup.
3:05 am - Leave for the deep woods.
3:15 am - Drive back home and pick up gun.
3:30 am - Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 am - Set up camp - forgot the tent.
4:30 am - Head into the woods.
6:05 am - See eight deer.
6:06 am - Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 am - "Click".
6:08 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill.
8:00 am - Head back to camp.
9:00 am - Still looking for camp.
10:00 am - Realize you don't know where camp is.
12:00 pm - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries.
12:15 pm - Ran out of bullets - eight deer come back.
12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach.
12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison berries.
12:45 pm - Rescued.
12:55 pm - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped.
3:00 pm - Arrived back in camp.
3:30 pm - leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 pm - Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 pm - Load gun - leave camp again.
5:00 pm - Empty gun on squirrel that's bugging you.
6:00 pm - Arrive at camp - see deer grazing in camp.
6:01 pm - Load gun.
6:02 pm - Fire gun.
6:03 pm - One dead pickup truck.
6:05 pm - Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer.
6:06 pm - Repress strong desire to shoot partner.
6:07 pm - Fall into fire.
6:10 pm - Change clothes - throw burned ones into fire.
6:15 pm - Take pickup - leave partner and his deer in the woods.
6:25 pm - Pickup boils over - hole shot in block.
6:26 pm - Start walking.
6:30 pm - Stumble and fall - drop gun in the mud.
6:35 pm - Meet bear.
6:36 pm - Take aim.
6:37 pm - Fire gun - blow up barrel plugged with mud.
6:38 pm - Make mess in pants.
6:39 pm - Climb tree.
9:00 pm - Bear departs - wrap %&*$#@ gun around tree
Midnight - Home at last.
Next day - Watch football games on TV, slowly tearing hunting license into little pieces - place in envelope and mail to Game Warden with very clear instructions on where to place it.

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LIONíS MESS
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the husband. "The lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out of it."

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LONG HAUL
Two rednecks were hunting and one of them shot a deer. They started to take it back to their truck. They were pulling it by the hind feet. That made the fur snag on the grass, making it hard to pull. Another hunter, seeing their dilemma, told them it would be easier to pull the deer by the rack. That way the fur wouldn't get snagged on the grass. The rednecks thanked the man, and he went on. After a little discussion, they decided to drag it by the rack. After a while one of the rednecks turned to the other and said,"Ya know, this is a lot easier to drag now." The other one said ,"Yeah, but we sure are getting a long way away from the truck."

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MORONS
A moron hunter gets lost in the woods, so he does the standard survival procedure of firing three shots into the air. Every few hours, he repeats this, but no one comes. Finally after two days, someone stumbles across him. "Boy am I glad to see you!!" he shouts, "I ran out of arrows about three hours ago."

Two morons are out duck hunting. They hunt and hunt and hunt into the late hours of the evening and still have not killed one duck. Finally, moron #1 says to moron #2, "Maybe we'd do better if we threw the dog up higher."

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MY DEER YA HEAR
The newlywed husband finally caved in to his wifeís wishes to be taken on his next hunting expedition. When safely out in the woods the husband felt relatively safe in handing his bride a shotgun, setting her up in some bushes and instructing her to wait patiently and shoot any passing deer. Satisfied with his ingenuity, the husband walked off in the direction of his tree stand. He couldn't have been gone five minutes when the sound of shotgun blasts came from the direction of his lovely hunting partner. Fearing for her safety he wasted no time in running the whole way back to the sight only to find his wife holding a terrified stranger at bay with the still smoking shotgun. "Honey" he exclaimed, "what the hell are you doing"? Clearly excited his wife replied, "I just shot this here deer, and this fellow is trying to steal my prize." At this the stranger, angrily retorted, "Dammit lady you can have your deer, I just want to get my saddle off of it."

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MY SICK MULE
A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?" The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car. While walking back, however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car and when they asked if the farmer had said okay, he said, "No, we can't hunt here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson." With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule. As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the passenger side. And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!"

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NOT GETTING YOUR MONEY'S WORTH:
Kerry and Eric were out hunting in the woods when Eric decided he couldn't wait to go to the bathroom anymore."Jeez, Kerry, I've got to use the bathroom", he said, "but I don't have any toilet paper"."Just use a dollar", said Kerry.So Eric proceeded around a tree to do his business. A few minutes later, he came from behind the tree with brown stuff all over his hands."I thought I told you to use a dollar", exclaimed Kerry!"I did", said Eric, "but have you ever tried to wipe your ass with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel"?

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NOT MY NUTS
Two friends go hunting. Richard has never gone hunting while Brett has hunted all his life. When they get to the woods, Brett tells Richard to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Brett checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Brett hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Richard and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Richard says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, "Should we take them with us or eat them here?" I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

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OUR CAJUN LAND PEOPLE
Down here in Cajun land we have really UGLY people. I used to see my neighbor, Thibodeaux, go out in the woods every morning and come back with a mess of squirrels, but I never saw him bring a gun. One morning, I went out and met him and asked him if he was trapping them squirrels. He said, "No, I just ugly them to death." Well, I told him I never heard of such a thing and he invited me to come along and see how it was done. Shortly after we entered the woods, we spotted a squirrel up in a tree. Old Thibodeaux gave a short whistle to get the squirrel's attention and when the squirrel looked, Thibodeaux squinched up his face and stared right at the squirrel. To my amazement, the squirrel dropped out of the tree and hit the ground, dead as a doornail. I told Thibodeaux, "It is hard to believe anybody can do that!" He said that it was no big deal he knew lots of people that could do that. He said, "As a matter of fact, even my wife can do it, but I don't let her hunt anymore, 'cause she messes up the meat too bad."

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WHERE'S THE TENT
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see? "Well, I see thousands of stars." "And what does that mean to you?" Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow.What does it mean to you, Holmes?""To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."



ALL NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT WHOMEVER NEEDS PROTECTING


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